Thursday, July 19, 2012


I’m a firm believer that if you went to public school, your hormones probably drove you to do at least one gross, sexual, or at least semi-sexual thing in a school setting.

At some point between 6th and 12th grades you become a fucking monster just like I did and you did something that you regretted.

Think about it.
You did.

Holy shit, you had repressed that hadn’t you?

Don’t worry, I was a horrible, vile, horny teenager too, and I was unfortunate enough to go to a high school where we weren’t always the most supervised.

For example, a girl I had a crush on in the 9th grade (she shall remain anonymous) lost her virginity in the bathroom of the Agriculture building.

This was during class.

The Ag building is basically a work shop equipped with farm equipment and 2 classrooms (if I remember correctly.) Don't worry, in high school, literally anything makes for a romantic situation.

On a similar note, a group of guy friends and I were privy to a monologue from a coach at my high school one day in the hallway. He spoke to us after walking by and catching a piece of our conversation about a girl. I call his rant the Jerk-Off Speech.

“You faggots listen up,” he said. “All you little butt-munchers want to do is fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and get your little peckers sucked off. Well listen here….jerk-off. Now, I know y’all are pretty good at that already, but trust me on this. Say some little gal says, ‘Oh, Johnny, put it in my tight little pussy. Please, oh, pretty pussy please.’ What are you gonna do? Fuck her? No. Jerk-off. Then, if you still want to hump her after you jizz, go ahead. Bang her. After you bust that nut, you’ll get your wits about you and make a more sound decision. I’m telling you from experience. There’s nothing worse than post-cum shame. (long, dramatic pause) Y’all have a good one,” and with that, he continued on to wherever it was he was going.

Probably to fuck one of our classmates.

He got fired for that the next year.

Which brings up the matter that he should have probably taken his own advice. Oh, well, it makes the title the Jerk-Off Speech all the more fitting.

Now, Katt Williams has a similar bit of stand-up with the same advice. I don’t know if that coach ripped it off because it’s true or if it’s so true that they both came to the same conclusion. Either way, I think there's a grain of honesty to the sentiment, especially when you're in high school.

My public display of horniness was on the band bus.

Before I get into that, let me give you a disclaimer: Despite me posting some very personal stuff on here, I'm actually a fairly private person. I was especially that way in my insecure, high school years. I wouldn't kiss girlfriends at school or even hold their hands in public most of the time. This was a point of contention several times in my teenaged years. Ok, back to the story...

I was in the 11th grade, and we were coming home after a football game. Now on the way to games, boys and girls were allowed to sit together, but since the trip back was dark, seating was gender specific.  My girlfriend at the time (who shall remain nameless) was sitting across the aisle from me as I sat with one of my drumline friends (I honestly can't remember which one, so I'll just apologize to all of you: I'm sorry.)

I can't remember what the exact date was, but it was probably mid-October.

In north Alabama, that point of the football season is awkward for band kids.

Our uniforms consisted of thick, wool jackets and pants. The jackets were white with black and red trim, and our pants were basically black, wool overalls with a red pinstripe down each side. Needless to say, they were hot at the beginning of football seasons. The humidity of late August and September air is brutal.

We weren't allowed to go naked underneath our uniforms (I knew a few people who did. "Free-balling" as we called it), but normal dress code was interpreted liberally during that time. October is odd because the days tend to still be hot, but the nights are cold, so it's like Alabama suddenly becomes the fucking Gobi Desert.

Pretty much everybody would wear shorts and t-shirts underneath their uniforms during that time, because, despite being cold at night, you would still sweat. When we would all file onto the band bus to undress and ride home, the cold air on your sweaty, half naked body felt great. Unfortunately, the moisture on your body quickly turned to cold and unpleasant though. To combat this, most people would bring blankets for the ride home.

Oh, yeah. It's about to get real sexy in here.

So, as I said, my girlfriend at the time was sitting across from me with her knees up and covered in a blanket. We were whispering to each other. Pretty much everyone around us had fallen asleep, including whoever we were sharing our respective seats with. We were in the next to the last row of seats. There was one chaperone in the back seat, but she had fallen asleep at some point too. Aside from the gender specific seating, there was one other major rule for after-game bus rides: absolutely NO reaching across aisles.

Naturally, that's the first thing I did.

When I heard the chaperone snoring behind me, I reached across and put my hand (on top of the blanket) on my girlfriend's knee. We were passing under some streetlights, so I saw her as she looked over and smiled at me. So, I started rubbing her knee.

She began to wiggle a little like she was enjoying it, so after a minute, I began rubbing harder and more haphazardly. I was rubbing her lower thigh, knee, and a little bit of her shin.

Before I knew it, I was sort of squeezing as I was rubbing, and wasn't touching her shin anymore. I was barely getting her knee.

She was breathing heavy, and in the brief flashes of light that come with night driving, I could see that she was resting her chin on her shoulder and that her eyes were closed.

As a few more minutes went by, I inched my hand farther and farther up her thigh until I eventually got to her hip, where an edge of the blanket met her shirt.

"Here," she whispered as she loosened the blanket, where my hand could get underneath.

This is where I thought, "Maybe this isn't the best idea."

But it's body over mind sometimes...

She was wearing shorts that were bunched up near her waist, and as you'd guess, my hand wasn't content to rub and squeeze her naked thigh. I soon worked my way up to her shorts.

I could feel the elastic right leg opening in her panties. For some reason, I suppose as some bastardized way of asking for permission, I popped the elastic against her inner thigh. Not forcefully, but enough for her to feel it.

"Please," she whispered.

Now here's what you have to understand, I was reaching across the bus aisle while trying to stay as low and inconspicuous as possible, so I could barely reach her. In order to reach her lady parts, I had to look straight ahead, outstretch my arm as far as it would go, and lean a little.

So, as I worked my finger underneath the elastic leg band, I wasn't fingering her so much as I was poking her.

That's when the shame hit me.

Here I was, in a public place, with the first section of my middle finger poking and rubbing inside of a girl's panties. I looked ahead and realized that somewhere in dark of the bus, my sister was sitting.

I didn't like the idea of getting to third base while I was touching elbows with one of my friends, and I damn sure didn't like doing it a few feet from my sister. So, after rubbing around long enough not to seem rude, I retracted my hand and whispered,

"I'm gonna go to sleep."

I didn't sleep. I just sat there with my eyes closed.

After we got back, I walked my girlfriend to her car to say goodnight.

"You're such a tease," she said as she smiled and got into her car.

On my drive home all I could think about was the Jerk-Off Speech and how I managed to feel the post-cum shame without actually making a mess.

In hindsight, I should have been thinking, "I'm gonna be okay."

Thank you.

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