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| Dear Coach Hauser... |
She was a senior when I was a freshman.
She was in the band with me.
She was sexually active.
Her parents were friends with my parents, so I got to spend a lot of time with her. This afforded her some time to tell me stories about her exploits.
It was like pornography for me.
I wasn't what you'd call a sheltered kid, but I don't think you'd call many 14-year-olds "sexually savvy" (I would hope not at least.)
We would sit in her Geo Metro long after band parent meetings had ended and she would tell me about having sex with various boys from school. Sometimes it was so detailed that I had to ask her to withhold certain information from me. (I did this after I almost laughed at one boy in the hallway.)
In hindsight, most of the stories weren't anything spectacular. They were mostly just who, when, where, and how many times.
Some stick out though.
She told me about how one guy had a walk-in closet that he had basically converted into a sex hut. She told me it had crusty sheets because he would jerk off in there and not wash them. She was so grossed out that she faked her orgasm so he'd finish and let her out.
Someone told me that she used to be a perfect little two shoes, but on her 16th birthday, her parents admitted to her that she was adopted. After that she began partying and having sex. I don't know if that's true, but she never struck me that way.
That's not to say that she didn't like a little danger.
Fast forward to the fall after she graduated. I was a sophomore.
I had heard rumors from some of my baseball friends that she had been fooling around with Coach Hauser.
He had what I call Vince Vaughn-syndrone. He was an aging frat-daddy who still acted like he was 21. He was probably 27 at the time, and my buddies told me he and some of the guys on the team had spent the summer swapping stories about fucking her.
"I can't believe she's banging that douche," I said.
"It's true," Haggard, one of my friends on the baseball team, told me.
One day in late-August or early-September I was in the school library when I saw Alex and one of her friends (who had also graduated that May) enter the library with visitor passes.
They approached the information desk, and I heard them tell the librarian that they just wanted to stop by to see some teachers and tell them how the first day of community college was.
From a distance, I waved at Alex. When she saw me, she and her friend said 'bye' to the librarian and made a bee-line for me.
"Oh, God, I'm glad to see you!" Alex said.
"Yeah? Why is that?" I asked.
"I need a favor," she explained as she reached into her purse and produced a folded piece of notebook paper. "Can you deliver this to Matt?"
My first thought was, "Matt who? There are so many goddamn Matts in this place."
Then it hit me.
"Hauser?!" I asked in a hushed, but frantic tone.
"No shit, Sherlock!" she replied. "I know I can trust you not to tell anyone. Please don't let anyone see it."
"This is awesome," I thought. "I'm delivering a love note to a fucking teacher! ...I can't wait to tell Haggard."
As I was thinking that, my mouth said, "you can trust me."
She thanked me as I rushed out of the library to head downstairs to his classroom.
The only part of me moving faster than my legs was my mind.
Man, people are never gonna believe this.
This is so great.
I could totally make a movie about this.
I thought about that until I got to Hauser's door. When I got there, I paused, took a deep breath, knocked, and peeked my head inside the door.
He was in the middle of a lesson.
Everyone in the classroom turned to look at me.
"Whataya want, Phillips?" he asked
"Ummm. I need to see you in the hallway for a sec, Hauser. I've got something for you."
He looked confused, "Just bring it in here. I'm in the middle of something."
"No, I need you to step outside."
Frustrated, he told the class to start on their worksheets and headed my direction.
When he got outside, I silently handed him the note.
He inspected it for a second before he realized what it was.
"Oh, fuck!" he exclaimed as he looked both directions in the hallway.
"Did anyone see you with this?" he asked.
"No. You're good."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. No worries."
He looked at me for a second. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave or not.
"Listen, man, she's 18, and we waited until the summer. She wasn't a student here anymore..."
I interrupted him, "You don't have to explain."
"So you won't tell anybody?"
"I won't rat you out."
There was another pause.
"Thanks. I owe you one, Phillips."
With that, he went back to his classroom.
I gotta get back to class and tell Haggard.
I hurried back to class with the same fervor as I had on the way to Hauser's class.
This is such a great story.
Haggard's gonna love this.
I can't believe I just delivered a love note to a teacher.
When I got back to class, I recanted to the whole story to Haggard. He became increasingly excited with every new detail. When I explained how I had rushed out of the library, he interrupted me.
"So, what did it say?'
FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK.
I didn't read it.
I was so caught up in the story that would come from the experience that I forgot to fully indulge in the moment.
Then again, maybe the mystery of never knowing what the note said is better than whatever boring, lovey-dovey sap was actually in it.
There's probably a life lesson in there somewhere.
Thank you.
P.S. I was listening to a massively long playlist while writing this. "Orgasm Addict" by The Buzzcocks came on at one point. How serendipitous.
In hindsight, most of the stories weren't anything spectacular. They were mostly just who, when, where, and how many times.
Some stick out though.
She told me about how one guy had a walk-in closet that he had basically converted into a sex hut. She told me it had crusty sheets because he would jerk off in there and not wash them. She was so grossed out that she faked her orgasm so he'd finish and let her out.
Someone told me that she used to be a perfect little two shoes, but on her 16th birthday, her parents admitted to her that she was adopted. After that she began partying and having sex. I don't know if that's true, but she never struck me that way.
That's not to say that she didn't like a little danger.
Fast forward to the fall after she graduated. I was a sophomore.
I had heard rumors from some of my baseball friends that she had been fooling around with Coach Hauser.
He had what I call Vince Vaughn-syndrone. He was an aging frat-daddy who still acted like he was 21. He was probably 27 at the time, and my buddies told me he and some of the guys on the team had spent the summer swapping stories about fucking her.
"I can't believe she's banging that douche," I said.
"It's true," Haggard, one of my friends on the baseball team, told me.
One day in late-August or early-September I was in the school library when I saw Alex and one of her friends (who had also graduated that May) enter the library with visitor passes.
They approached the information desk, and I heard them tell the librarian that they just wanted to stop by to see some teachers and tell them how the first day of community college was.
From a distance, I waved at Alex. When she saw me, she and her friend said 'bye' to the librarian and made a bee-line for me.
"Oh, God, I'm glad to see you!" Alex said.
"Yeah? Why is that?" I asked.
"I need a favor," she explained as she reached into her purse and produced a folded piece of notebook paper. "Can you deliver this to Matt?"
My first thought was, "Matt who? There are so many goddamn Matts in this place."
Then it hit me.
"Hauser?!" I asked in a hushed, but frantic tone.
"No shit, Sherlock!" she replied. "I know I can trust you not to tell anyone. Please don't let anyone see it."
"This is awesome," I thought. "I'm delivering a love note to a fucking teacher! ...I can't wait to tell Haggard."
As I was thinking that, my mouth said, "you can trust me."
She thanked me as I rushed out of the library to head downstairs to his classroom.
The only part of me moving faster than my legs was my mind.
Man, people are never gonna believe this.
This is so great.
I could totally make a movie about this.
I thought about that until I got to Hauser's door. When I got there, I paused, took a deep breath, knocked, and peeked my head inside the door.
He was in the middle of a lesson.
Everyone in the classroom turned to look at me.
"Whataya want, Phillips?" he asked
"Ummm. I need to see you in the hallway for a sec, Hauser. I've got something for you."
He looked confused, "Just bring it in here. I'm in the middle of something."
"No, I need you to step outside."
Frustrated, he told the class to start on their worksheets and headed my direction.
He inspected it for a second before he realized what it was.
"Oh, fuck!" he exclaimed as he looked both directions in the hallway.
"Did anyone see you with this?" he asked.
"No. You're good."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. No worries."
He looked at me for a second. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to leave or not.
"Listen, man, she's 18, and we waited until the summer. She wasn't a student here anymore..."
I interrupted him, "You don't have to explain."
"So you won't tell anybody?"
"I won't rat you out."
There was another pause.
"Thanks. I owe you one, Phillips."
With that, he went back to his classroom.
I gotta get back to class and tell Haggard.
I hurried back to class with the same fervor as I had on the way to Hauser's class.
This is such a great story.
Haggard's gonna love this.
I can't believe I just delivered a love note to a teacher.
When I got back to class, I recanted to the whole story to Haggard. He became increasingly excited with every new detail. When I explained how I had rushed out of the library, he interrupted me.
"So, what did it say?'
FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCK.
I didn't read it.
I was so caught up in the story that would come from the experience that I forgot to fully indulge in the moment.
Then again, maybe the mystery of never knowing what the note said is better than whatever boring, lovey-dovey sap was actually in it.
There's probably a life lesson in there somewhere.
Thank you.
P.S. I was listening to a massively long playlist while writing this. "Orgasm Addict" by The Buzzcocks came on at one point. How serendipitous.
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